IVF is Dumb and Messy (And So Are These Comics)

IVF Comic #1

Well, I’ve started the process of IVF. I thought a lot about whether to share this experience here: on my email newsletter, on the internet, etc. But ultimately, I decided I need to draw and write about this experience. And I need to share those drawing and writings with people.

Drawing and writing are how I process difficult things. But the sharing of it is also an important part of that. It’s a way of connecting to others who are going through the same thing or have been through the same thing. We’ll never connect with those people and we’ll always feel alone if we don’t speak up and share ourselves.

When I was pregnant with Butterbean, I made weekly comics of my experience and shared them on Instagram. It was a lovely experience (well, not the pregnancy—I mean the making of comics). I was off and on depressed or in a general malaise for most of my pregnancy, and everything was new and overwhelming. Making those comics gave me an outlet for my frustrations and a way to organize all the overwhelm in my head. It allowed me to (kind of) take control of the narrative and reshape it in a way that worked.

Because I know, also from previous experience, that if I do not do this—if I do not rewrite a narrative that works—the narrative will be written for me by my subconscious. And it will not be nice and it will not be pleasant and it will not work.

So here I am, 5 years later, trying to get pregnant again and making weekly comics again. Drawing into this experience—not just slogging through it, not just surviving it, but responding to it.

I know this journey will be difficult, probably more so than I can imagine right now at the doorway. But I am trying to set myself up as best I can. I will approach it with seriousness and lightness, dread and eagerness, anxiety and hopefulness. I will accept this—all of this—for what it is, I will live it, and I respond to whatever comes with art.

I am beyond thankful to my husband, family, friends, and community for offering their love, support, and kindness as we begin. I am thankful to my art for giving my mind an outlet which will surely become a pressure-cooker-scenario rather quickly. And I am thankful for you, reading this, and giving my art life beyond my cluttered desk.

These comics are dumb and messy, but you know what? IVF is dumb and messy. Y’all know that when I say art I’m not talking about oil painting masterpieces. You make what you make, and that’s what it is. For me, this is more about recording a response, ordering my mind, releasing steam, and shaping my experience to something workable.

I don’t know what will happen. That’s the scariest part. But life happens and all we can do is respond to it. Even if it’s just sloppy comics.

Thanks for reading,

<3,
Christine

P.S. The title of this comic was inspired by the song Strange by Built to Spill. It pretty well encapsulates the feeling of going through such a strange day.