IVF #11: I Have Been Homesick For You

And my heart never beat like it does at the sight

Note: This is #11 in my series, IVF Comics, where I’m making comics to process and share my experience with infertility + IVF.

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I have, simultaneously, so much and so little to say. A lot has happened over the past 20 days. Two positive blood tests, a spotting scare where I thought for sure that I was miscarrying (I wasn’t!), and finally, on Monday, an ultrasound confirming the pregnancy and hearing the heartbeat of my little Blueberry.

I was too scared to make a comic about any of it before the 6-week ultrasound. But then today, when I sat down to make the comic, I didn’t want to write or draw about the process, the experience, the anxieties, and stress. Previously with these IVF comics, I’ve wanted to get every thought and feeling out of my head, as if they were a dark fog seeping and sinking into me and I had to express it and get it out, or it was going to eat me alive. It was a pressure release.

But now… none of it matters. Nothing matters! It doesn’t matter how much money we paid, how long we’ve been trying to have a baby, how many obstacles we encountered, how many things went wrong, how many shots I had to take, or whatever else I was anxious about.

All of it just fell away when I saw this tiny little Blueberry.

I am, of course, aware that I am only 6 weeks and it will be another long 6 weeks until I hit the almighty 12-week goal post. I am not delusional—I know something could go wrong. But that is an anxiety for another time. I cannot let myself think of that right now.

Today, I’m just happy. And I don’t need a pressure valve for that. I want to hang on to this for as long as I can. I want to believe in this tiny, little blob, my little Blueberry.

It’s amazing how fast you can fall in love with something, isn’t it?

This comic’s title comes from the song A Fathers First Spring, by The Avett Brothers.

Thanks for reading!

<3,
Christine